all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
