my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
