i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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