my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
