he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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