respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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