I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
