i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
