You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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