Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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