i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
