I think I died a long time ago.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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