my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
