i was born a porn star she said
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
