On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
