The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
