I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
