My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
