Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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