She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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