Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
