Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize