Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
