and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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