Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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