In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
