i just wanna soil my oats bro
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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