well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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