I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
