Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
