Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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