Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
