I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
