I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
