Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
