Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
