Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
