at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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