I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
