the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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