I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
