just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
