Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
