and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
