Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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