I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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