you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In other news, I just burned my penis
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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