we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
