I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
