I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
