cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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