If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
