I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
