i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
