i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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