she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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