hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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