I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
