you guys were way drunker than both of me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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